I Don't Understand.

In Tan Tock Seng Hospital now, maternal grandma has been in and out of the hospital recently. Trust me, she's one stubborn old lady. Not that I don't like her but I just had minimal communications with her since I was a baby. Partly due to her biasness towards my other cousins and mainly due to the dialect barrier. When my mum came home and tell me about how she was doing a few days back, it sounded so bad that i honestly thought she was gonna leave.  So, I decided to come visit her today. Yes, she looked bad but luckily not as bad as i thought she would be. Can you believe what the problem is? She is actually capable of eating bland food and is encouraged to eat but she simply refuses to do so. Now, she needs to be on glucose drip and stuff. I mean what is this for? Okay, based on this fact, I'll need to give you some background info but the story is simply too long for me to say to allow you to catch up. Basically, she's just been causing a hell lot of problems ever since the old maid left about a year ago? We honestly do not know what she wants but she has just been rejecting ALL the other maids that they've hired for her. In less than a year, it has been the 4th or 5th maid already? Even I lost count. When her daughters asked her what she wants, she remained quiet. I know I am not in the position to say anything but sometimes i really just wish those daughters of her will treat me as an adult and listen to the suggestions i have. Seriously, some of them are really kinda erm..brainless i would say. It is crude but it is true. They seemed to have lost control over her and let her do whatever she wants, my mum is not an exclusion. Wanna hear the most outrageous story ever? The doctor came over and told one of my aunt that my grandma probably nidda go into icu and was recommended to go but my aunt can actually REFUSE to let her admit into icu coz she thinks that there will be a lot of tubes and stuff plucked into her. FOR GOODNESS SAKE, IF THE DOCTOR SAYS SHE NEEDS IT SHE OBVIOUSLY NEEDS IT MAN! USE YOUR PUNY BRAIN AND THINK PLEASE! To think you're even a diploma graduate. Who in the world rejects the doctor's request to put your own mother into the icu?! Okay except those in the dramas where their children want their own parents to die so that they can get the inheritance. Obviously, this isn't the case here! I know they all love my grandma but its just the way they're handing it! It is too ridiculous. 

Okay, so I tried communicating with her just now IN HOKKIEN. Can you see the amount of effort I'm trying to put here?! I am a person who sucks in hokkien but i was trying to engage myself in a conversation with her. I was trying to tell her to eat more food coz its important and i told her to smile more coz it will naturally make her happier. At least that's what I usually do. Can you believe what she said?! She said she don't wanna talk to me anymore. *stunned* MY PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER WOULD NEVER EVER DO THAT TO ME. I seriously do not know what you want. My dad was so pissed that he asked me to go out of the ward with him and we just sat downstairs until they wanted to leave. I really wanted to just communicate with you and try my best to make you feel better about whatever shit you are going through. But now, it seems like you are giving your own granddaughter shit too. So, I give up. At least I know I tried my best. Life's just like that I guess, not everything will always go in the way you want it to be. I really tried.

After all these rubbish, I really thank god for my paternal grandparents. Even though I always say  how much my grandfather dislikes me and how bias he is, I finally realised how much I actually love them. A bit of background info, my paternal grandparents have been living with me since i was seven-ish? Both my parents are working (not that they do not care for my brother and I, we still do have a lovely parent-children relationship up till today), so my grandparents are like the ones looking after us since forever. Especially my paternal grandma, I've always been sticking to her as a child and we do things together! We go to the market together, sometimes even go shopping together in the past! I even realised recently that I think I got my optimistic and happy-go-lucky character from her! She's really not those traditional mother in the past who restricts their children like nobody's business. She always tell me, 'when they want to talk, they will talk'. Well, she's definitely not educated but the really amazing thing about her is that she was illiterate until her 20s i guess? But through reading of the newspapers and watching tv, she is now literate. Can you believe how amazing this is?! Another interesting fact (not trying to be damn sarcastic here), my paternal grandma is of the same age as my maternal grandma but i do not understand why the drastic difference. How can one just be so optimistic and accept everything that's coming to her in a damn positive way but the other being just so stubborn so depressed and not happy with like almost EVERYTHING. 

Trust me, I've been trying to suspend my judgment on my maternal grandma despite all the shit she's given to my mum, her other children and even my dad. Now, I just can't help but to look at her in a different light already. I am really sorry for the way I feel though...

Looking at your photos thinking that you could have been mine like so many years back..

I am sad :(

OHMYGOSH. 

It's essays after essays after essays and still ESSAYS!!!!!

I'm outta brain juice!!! :(

'If you're passionate, you won't take no for an answer for anything'                                                                                                                - Whale Wars

First few days at school.

One conclusion: There's seriously some connection between me and Indians  (Singaporeans) 

 I dont know why too..

Awwww.

The moment.

When someone told me that I'm the only reason that changes dreading to come to work into looking forward to come to work...

It makes my day! :)

NIGHTMARES, not cool.

2005,

Malaysia Train Station---Mum brought me here all the way from Singapore convincing me that we're going on a short holiday, just the two of us. When we reached, my mum held my hand all the way to the entrance of the train station and left me there. Obviously, I cried after waiting for quite some time and my mum never came back. The fear in me was indescribable. So much so that I cried for the rest of the time even till I'm awake. I'll never forget this dream.

2012,

Terrorists---Yes I know this is weird but it really happened. *Must have got something to do with the London Olympics Singapore Women's Table Tennis Semi-finals that i watched in the morning* I was sitting among the spectators watching the live semi-finals match between Singapore and Japan with my family when a loud siren rang. An announcement to postpone the match and get everyone out of the excel arena immediately was made. Everybody was pretty nonchalant initially, there was even a security check while people were flushing out. Suddenly, a corner of the arena collapsed due to a bomb blast. Then, the whole place was chaotic, everyone started escaping in every directions possible. My brother, mum, dad and myself also ran together but my mum being the least sporty one among us starting lagging behind. My dad carried her and we just ran and ran and ran. The next thing I know, we were all back into the 1960s with my grandparents living in the shop houses kinda style. My grandparents and parents living in one, my brother and I in one. *Don't ask me why this combination 'cos I don't know why either* Suddenly, a entire army of fighter planes flew just a few metres above our head and dropped those atomic bomb-like thingy on us. Just like how we always see those black and white films during WWll. Somehow, we were all standing at the rooftop so my grandfather yelled for me and my brother. My brother simply jumped from our roof to their roof to be with my grandparents and parents. I followed suit. The six of us all hugged together and died under the bomb attacks. This dream was so insane that it made me wake up with a slight shiver. God knows why I had sucha dream.




I seriously do not know what made me have these kinda dreams but it just happened. Some say it happens for a reason. Some simply say it was just a dream. For now, I still cannot find a reason why but maybe I'll get to know in the future. But these things are definitely freakish. 

STRESS STRESS STRESS!

You say it isn't a problem but on the other hand you're saying we have to cut down on this and that. So what exactly is the conclusion??

I can sense that you guys do not really want me to study what I'm really interested in but I just need a definite answer if it is within your limits in allowing me to study this!

I have to make a BIGGG decision within this few days and I am in a serious dilemma!!

SOMEONE.HELP.ME.

Family

I have a lot to say but just really lazy to type it out...

Just came back from a Bali trip with the entire family (dad's side) and it was kinda less fun as compared to last year's Koh Samui. Reason? I guess it's because I've matured and I'm starting to see true colours of certain people now...

Isn't it REALLY mean for someone to insist on forcing his/her beliefs onto other people? Although the way you want to do it might be the best way out for the person that you love, it does not mean that the person likes it that way! She has a own set of thinking and it isn't up to you to decide for her okay! Plus, I don't think you understand her as much as we do these days , so just back off. 

FAMILY. Why can't things just be a little simpler? You people just have to give in a little more and accept each other's slight differences. Yes it might get real annoying at times but we just have to accept that we are a family as a whole and not segregate into 'cliques' in a FAMILY. Imagine that, cliques in a family, how stupid can that get. 

I really miss those times when we were really one Big Happy Family.

我不可能会爱你。

Desperate Ends

I know nobody wanted things to end up like what it is today but the problem is, who is willing to step out and change things now?

Seriously, don't just throw it all to one person just because you think she is the only one capable of handling these issues. A rubber band will still break when it reaches its maximum limit right?

I can't believe this.

You are strong and can deal with anything that life throws at you. Take a deep breath and be filled with the knowledge that you can deal with all things.

WORK!

Yes, Vanessa's finally working!

MY FIRST JOB IN MY LIFE (apart from the transcribing job at home) IS AWESOME!!!

Robinsons cashiering!!! hahahah okay it may not sound as fun as it seems, but honestly i am really having fun!!! Credits to my awesome-est colleagues!! 

On the first two days of training, I thought this job would be sooo boring and I can't wait to start my zoo job. But now! I am really really sad that it's gonna end!! :( 

Lesson learnt: Colleagues really play a big part in determining if your job is fun or not! 

Imagine that, how fun can a cashiering job be? It is simply just collecting money, processing the payments and it can really be quite stressful sometimes!! This isn't cool. But I've really learnt a lot of the social traits these few days. Those people who think that they're really rich and look down on people like us taking up a part time job are really rubbish people. =.= Just like what one of my colleagues said, 'We're taking this job to earn extra money, not that we are poor. If you continue to show me attitude I can just quit.' True that. My exact sentiments as well.

Back to my colleagues (P.S. I feel damn mature when I'm using the term 'colleagues' :P) , the four of us especially! I'm really thankful to be in the same shift as them! I was sooo worried when I might be continuing my remaining six days with the other group..... :S They were so quiet...I can't possibly imagine not talking for eight hours straight! :O Insane right?! Okay, so this four colleagues of mine, think the only word to describe all of us is seriously 'LAME'. Hahaha! One 21-year old girl, one 20-year old dude and another 23-year old dude i think? Thanks, I'm 19! :P I don't understand how lame can everything get! And its still SO funny! OMG, i think this is what boredom leads us to. Seriously, if there are little customers we complain, too many we complain also! Anyways! I am seriously having a whale of my time here! Hope we will stay in contact after tmr, my last day.. :(

That's all for now! :)

SCHOOL.

I really miss school.... :(

I miss those short walks we have from classrooms to lecture halls and those toilet breaks that we have in lectures and everybody just chiong-ed. hahaha! Although studying was sucky, the times spent in school was so memorable. Now that I've just started working, I'm really missing school. I finally understand why people say when you're studying you wanna work but once you're working you'll definitely wanna go back to studying. 

I.GET.IT.NOW.

Sighhhhh~

Those early morning 1.5hr lessons where we're struggling to keep our eyes open..and worse still! those timed assignments (esp econs essay and gp essay early in the morning!) We'll seriously just stone after the paper. Hahaha! I love those air-con classrooms in our new timetable when it was nearing A-levels! The places where we had GP lessons, physics lessons etc were awesome! Of course, I miss those random laughing sessions with my beloved friends!! Siwei especially! hahaha whenever she's sitting beside me and when we're seriously damn bored or just in a good mood, doodling+chitchatting+spastic face+sooo many more stuff!! It was FUN!! :D

Also in year one i think (lesser in year two), whenever a teacher is absent and we aren't studying (as usual :P), we just gather together and chit chat + gossip! HAHAHA! I don't know how come we have so many things to gossip about also! :P

This.is.life.in.school.

I.miss.this.life.

Life at a glance.

Went out with Mee Teng yesterday and I can tell you for sure, we will be lifelong friends :)

We're really two mature girls together and there's really nothing we can't talk about!

Most important lesson learnt from her yesterday : Cherish life. Live in the moment.

Recently, I've been having troubles seeing who's true to me and who's not, who are the ones who will stay by your side no matter what. And I mean no matter what. I know, there are things that I've done recently that's pretty annoying but I guess its just '你不仁我不义'. Yes, get that. 

SOOO, life is just as it is. Seriously, cherish everyone around you and just forget about some because you've already done your best. It is up to them if they wanna continue the relationship or not. 

Update on my future life: No uni calls. I guess it's probably gonna be SIM. Oh well, maybe that's also just another way out in life... :)

Glad that this girl came into my life!

PEOPLE

Creatures that are hard to understand right?

Somehow I don't think I'll ever be able to understand humans, especially our emotions. I swear there's really just a thin line between love and hate. I remember the old me (like when I was twelve?), I used to really dislike this used-to-be friend of mine. Like really hate. I remember I almost got into a cat fight in school, imagine that! Do you realise, as you grow older, it is harder to hate someone than to befriend one? Plus, it is not easy telling anyone about a person that you hate coz people are judgemental these days. Everyone is no longer as simple as we all used to be. WHY?! Why must everyone pretend to be magnanimous and be friendly to everybody when you just go home and complain or gossip to your close friends? Isn't this even worse than just showing your own emotions? Backstabbing is never a cool thing to do. Neither is betraying. I've learnt and I don't think I'm ever someone that's really capable of hiding my emotions but I'm learning. Sometimes I think the more I learn, the worse things gets. Maybe I should stop right here now and stop hiding my feelings. 

什么是爱？什么是恨？这两个都是很可怕的字，我猜我以后会少用了甚至不想再用了。

真的是不简单。

My parents taught me well.

Time to grow up.

Well, I feel like I've finally grown up and I can see things differently from many perspectives these days. Some people are just born selfish, some born kind and some just insensitive. We are always and will be always facing uncomfortable situations. For an adult, isn't it always about looking out for the younger ones even if they're not your own children in dangerous situations? I do not understand how is it possible for one adult to totally ignore two teenagers and just flee for himself and I don't think I can ever understand how you did that. These crazy experiences recently made me look at you differently and I am now starting to understand why others look at you in that way. I miss the old **** who was loving, caring and thoughtful who was always there for us, looking out for us before she changed into almost someone like you today. Seriously, sometimes love can really blind a person. I still do not get how is it possible. 


Also, I got my A-level results back like two/three weeks ago and it was bad. Most of the grades are what i expected but some are plainly just disappointments. I was considering to retake but I clearly forgotten the dateline for registration was yesterday and I was not prepared to make a serious decision of retaking it then, so ohwell, face it and just go to a private uni I guess, shouldn't be that bad after all? I would really wanna go to a local uni and enjoy my life in the campus but if things really didn't turn out to be what I expect it to be, what else can I do right? Just make the best outta what I have now then! :) Results aren't necessarily everything right? Yes I know I'm saying this because my results aren't good, if it's good I would not have to say sucha thing to begin with right...Anyways, my goal to make a difference in this world still remains and no matter how tough this road is gonna be, my ultimate aim will still be there. :) I still believe it's possible. Everyone can make a difference. 


Lesson learnt over the past few weeks: Appreciate what people around you had done for you and show them that you know it. Behave maturely and learn how to deal with abrupt situations given to you. Sometimes people just need to face it and learn how to get over it someday.


I miss days when we were younger~
Friends who were all innocent and want the best for you irregardless of what happens~
Days when houses are filled with people having the time of their lives and not discussing about serious affairs ALL the time~
And I kinda miss you too~

This.Is.Reality.

Sometimes I just want to have a stranger sit beside me and listen to all the things I'm going through, all the problems I'm facing. It just makes things simpler and tell me everything's gonna be okay...

Secrets.

People keep secrets because they want to hide them, ever realise they end up revealing them by hiding?

*MELTS*

OHMYGOSH RIGHT?!?! 
I.K.R.
Adamn Gregory as Ty Collins in 90210! 
Okay I don't know if I'm lagging behind since 90210 season one is a pretty old show but ANYWAYS! I was totally :O when I saw him appearing in just episode one! hahaha! P.S.It is exactly this scene! This was what he's wearing!! :DD


OKAY. THAT'S ALL FOR MY FAN GIRL MOMENT :D
Shall continue with 90210~

Coincidence.

I'm having fun for the past few days!! And I must say, we gotta expect the unexpected at times!! :D

I had TWO coincidences in a day....wait for it.....& TWICE IN A WEEK!!! Friends that I've not seen in years, like really years...

Somehow, I miss school. Hahaha, miss those days when we can just sit in class or LT and laugh without worrying about anything. DAMN.

Met Berenice and Wanteng at Lot One!

Met Siang Ning at the bus stop after that!

Met Alisa(1st) and Berlyn(2nd) at Jurong Point!

MAKE.A.WISH.

Make a wish and place it in your heart.
Anything you want.
Everything you want.
Now believe it can come true.
You never know when the next miracle will come,
when the next wish will come true.


The world is full of magic.
You just have to believe with all your heart.

Overview.

Hey blog, I've finally changed that weird blog skin :)

Well, looking back at my previous posts, they're all negative ones. I've decided to start anew and approach a more mature way of blogging. This blog is kinda dead but somehow at certain points of my life, i actually still do enjoy it even if it's just for myself. :) 

I've just turned 18 about a month ago and I've seen how much all my friends have grown within this month. Really, just in this one short month. Friends getting into relationships, (P.S. Literally 90% of them. Hahaha! Really happy for some but speechless for some too..), friends struggling in their lives and most importantly, family members aging. You see, it's sorta holidays now so i'm rather free and i'm on a scrapbook project. A book to keep all the memories of countries we've been to as a family since my brother and I came to this world. While i've been sorting through the old photos, i saw how much my dad aged and how much my mom has wrinkled... 

Somehow I'm really afraid of growing up 'cos I'm afraid of losing my loved ones. My grandma, grandpa, parents, aunts, uncles and sometimes even my brother. It's almost two years since my great-grandaunt passed away. She was the first person that left me with memories of times that we've spent together in this world. I guess the next closest person that passed away was my maternal grandpa but I was only five when he was gone? Memories were limited. I definitely did not cry like how people did in dramas when relatives passed away, but the feeling of someone that's gone in your life forever is weird. Can't be explained and totally not a good experience. Sometimes I really miss you, yi-tai-po. :) 

Happy moments? Realised how much I mean to some friends in my life and how much they mean to me too, both positively and negatively. In two years time I'm gonna turn 20 and I am getting more and more certain that my life in the future will definitely not be an ordinary one. I may not be the smartest person in the world but I know I can make a difference in this world and I want to. :) Although I am not sure how for the time being, everything will make sense within these few years. I am gonna shape my own future! Just wait and see! :) 

Beautiful moments in the past that's worth remembering! :)

SOMETIMES I REALLY JUST WANT YOU OUTTA MY LIFE.
PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO DO THAT.
YOU WILL NEVER EVER GET IT, WILL YOU? 

I dont want to be your best friend anymore.
I dont want to hear your same old stories anymore.
Do you even think we're still the same?
I am uncomfortable with everything you do.
What are best friends for?
Yeah really, what are they for.

PISSED 
PISSED
PISSED


ANGRY
ANGRY
ANGRY


囧
囧
囧

WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALMOST THERE!

ALMOST THERE!!!!!


TWO MORE DAYS TO RE-DOWLOADING OF FUNSHION!!! :PPP


Although there's three more papers left, i do think that i deserve some break meanwhile! Maybe a couple of episodes of friends season 9 or some hyimym!! :DDDD

I.MISS.CHINESE.

人总是这样，永远都不会珍惜眼前的一切一切。

:)

And in another life I would be your girl
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
And in another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

The one, the one, the one
The one that got away

All these money can't buy me a time machine, no
Can't replace you with a million rings, no
I should've told you what you meant to me, whoa
'Cause now I pay the price