It has been a while.

So I've been neglecting this blog for like almost the entire semester I guess? It isn't exactly because I'm too busy and also not because I have nothing to say. Lazy is probably the best explanation. :P Life has been pretty awesome for me. Loving uni life like crazy! I'm really really glad/lucky to be in University at Buffalo (SIM)! I love the American system, I love the instructors (they do not believe in lecturers/professors) and of course I love all the friends I've made! As much as everyone is judging the American system as a lousy one and unsuitable for Singaporeans because it is too slack, I beg to differ. Remember TLLM in secondary school? Teach Less Learn More. It is precisely what we are doing in SIM-UB. I'm not saying that the local uni isn't good because come on, who wouldn't want to have a NUS/NTU/SMU degree if they have the ability to right? I'm just trying to say that if I was exposed to the American education system earlier and IF I had the grades to enter local universities, I would have considered my choices with an insane amount of stress. Reason? Because after all these years of hardcore studying (especially in JC), I've learnt a lot about myself in terms of academics. Lazy may be a way to describe myself but I figured I'm not a person who can work well with exams, exams and more exams. In particular, those with high percentages like 70-80% of the entire grade! Doesn't that sound insane? In SIM-UB, our finals are generally around 20-30% because they do not believe in grading a student just based on a single examination. Which I totally agree with! Of course, instructors are allowed to create their own syllabus in my school i.e. choose their own number of exams, assignments and their respective weightage. And I do have some instances where my final examination is around 40% but it is seldom the case because most of my instructors are more interested in the process of learning. Sociology, this is another decision that I would never ever regret in my life. Although I gotta admit, I am pretty worried about my future - if I can actually find a job, not to mention a high-paying one. With all the modules that I've had in the past four semesters, it just further enhances my belief that I made the right choice! Social Change, Mass Cultural Studies, Social Diversity, Medical Sociology, Individual & Society Studies, World Civilizations AND Criminology next semester! How awesome are these mods! I'm actually kinda sick of explaining to people who have no idea as to what Sociology is about. It is basically the study of our society. Yes, it may sound stupid to some of you because what we learn may seem like common sense to you and engineers (like my brother) just find it meaningless to get a degree on something that we already know about. You are wrong. Just like any other liberal arts degree, we are studying about things that we already know but obviously not in the layman terms. Furthermore, in sociology, we learn why our society is behaving in such a manner. We reflect about life so to speak. We study patterns and try to fit pieces into a puzzle. We try to find a reason to justify why human beings behave in a certain way when we are not supposed to (okay I'm not going to go further because I'm just gonna blabber on about all the stuff I've learnt). Sociology is an extremely meaningful degree to me. I'm gonna maximize my learning for the upcoming two years and cultivate my mind! Hopefully my dream to make a difference in this world is still going to come true.

My mind is maturing, ain't it? Haha! :)

Something's wrong

People have too much hatred for everything and anything in this world.

BUT...

This is our world and we are the creators (?)

It is all in our mind.

Sudden enlightenment

Okay, so I haven't been updating in a while but this is just gonna be a short one.

I think I sorta figured out why my character isn't as girly and how I am more guy-ish than girls in general. The root cause? My family. Okay, maybe just my dad. You see, I have a brother who is three years older. Somehow, he seem to have all the necessary freedom to make decisions on his own and my dad rarely has a differing opinion. I think what I've been trying to do as a child, is to make myself more like a guy. To prove that I can take care of myself and convince them to let me make my own decisions and not be rejected by my dad for umpteen times. Whatever nonsense that it is not safe and you are a girl, they can be true but only to a certain extent (at least I believe so). I am still trying to figure out a perfect way to break out of this. Anybody knows how? I certainly do not want myself to make my decisions based on my dad's decision forever. I wanna start living my own life already. Sometimes I wonder, why do I still have to listen to my dad for the final say? Why must he always be the last barrier that I have to cross? Why can't I take charge of my own life? I feel like I can actually break out of this because all that's left now is just respect and love for my dad. Rebellion is all that it takes.This is a recurring feeling that I've been getting this year. Maybe it's a sign...

Self-analyzing in a whole new level. Haha

Sociology

Just a short one.

I'm beginning to feel that choosing sociology as my major even in a private university was really one of the best choices I've ever made for myself. With more soci modules this sem, I'm learning more about sociology as a whole and I gotta say, I'm loving it!! I am pretty sure by the end of my 3 years in uni, my mind will be so enriched that I'll be able to communicate with people in an intellectual level on a frequent basis. I am gonna make it part of me! :)

Random thought while studying for my tests tmr. Why in a relationship must the female partner on a regular basis (always is too big an assumption) be the diminished one and needs to be taken care by the male partner? Why is it constructed this way? Issues about masculinity and femininity perhaps? Food for thought I guess...

VAN :)

Beautiful Escape

somehow this is not the way i planned it
i didn't think i'd need someone right now, then there was you

-AJ Rafael

Obsessive Dad

Well, recently my dad has been getting on my nerves (?) Not sure if that's the right word to use but I'm just getting a little uncomfortable about his obsessiveness over me. Firstly, I am 19 turning 20 this year. Come on, anybody at this age in any other countries are probably out partying all night and getting insane hangovers the next day. Maybe not even in other countries, at least a quarter of my fellow Singaporeans are having sucha life now. Not that this is the life I want but I just want a little bit more freedom. I used to tell my dad who I'm going out with and where will we be going because I felt comfortable doing so and see no problem with that. Recently, when I only mentioned I'll be going out with my friends to my dad, he'll DEFINITELY ask me where am I going. I purposefully tried not to tell him on some occasions but he will just message me at some time and ask me rudely. For example, 'location now' and 'location update'. I'm like living in a military camp right? Argh. It is not that I have anything to hide but I guess I'm reaching a point where I feel that certain amount of privacy has to be given to me. Trust me, my dad is capable of going to the same place as me despite knowing that I'll be there. Why do such things? For God's sake, I do not know. I don't understand what trust issues he has with me when I'm not even the rebellious kinda kid. I know my limits and I'm pretty sure I'm strong enough to protect myself. Yes I know, people can just kill me and rape me without me knowing but come on, at least I know how to reduce the chances right? I'm gonna have THE talk with my dad asap. Wish me luck. Till then!

I never knew those things that I had were memories until we started talking about it again...
Love and miss those times!

Just another rant.

I just can't stand it when guys are being irresponsible and careless about important issues. I dont understand why you guys cannot see the urgency to settle things and be answerable to others. I've always expected guys to be like my father, to always take on the responsibility for serious business and give us the schedule asap. Well, I guess this is the difference between a man and a boy? Haven't seen a guy as responsible as my father as of now. In fact, I even think some of my girlfriends are even more responsible and can see the need to settle urgent things. 

A Few Moments in Life.

Well, it has been kinda long since I've updated. Had the craziest week ever in my life last week. My grandmother was hospitalized, grandfather had a minor op & I had my com101 2nd exam which was rather important for me if I want to keep my grades at B+/A-. I'm too lazy to elaborate on what exactly happened to my grandmother but no worries, thank god she's fine now! :) I just can never forget what happened on Monday midnight, was the 2nd scariest night in my life thus far. I hope nothing like this will ever happen again. What I learnt from this week? I really really really love my grandmother. And also, I give my utmost respect to any souls who are out there struggling to juggle between a sickly family member, work and any other thing that's going on in their life. It ain't easy, imo. My grandfather? I've come to realize that he was kinda biased against my father as compared to all his other three children. Maybe because they're all graduates but my father's not? But so what? They are all earning about the same money now right? So what's the difference? I really don't know. And I swear he dislikes me the most but I ain't got anything to resolve this. I'm just gonna deal with it and give my grandmother everything I can. If you can't accept the fact, just deal with it man. I don't hate my grandfather but sometimes I really can't stand his favoritism. To a certain point, it's an eyesore. But yeah..I still love the both of them lah :)

Important people in my life

Studies? This sem isn't going very well. I had to resign one module which meant that I had to waste $1.5k of my parents' money. I really need to learn how to keep the guilt in me for a longer period of time because although at that moment I'm telling myself that I have to buck up and not disappoint my parents because they are already spending so much money on me, after a while, the sense of guilt seems to just disappear into thin air. I swear I'm gonna work hard next semester and get good grades again! Being a little ambitious here but I'm hoping that I'll get an average of A- next sem :P When you believe, you will achieve! 

Note to self: Remember that you are in a private university and you are spending a hell lot of your parents' money. You better do good and make them proud at the end of the day. 

When I had to resign this ugc module, I honestly had that damn sore feeling. I added this module together with my twin at the beginning of the sem and the others in our clique were like doubting our capability and question us if it is too much to handle. Yes, ugc is a damn interesting module but I just can't study and score well for it. My twin can! So, laugh all you want and even if i have to retake this module together with you guys, I'm gonna own you in your face. See? This is the mini competitive problem that I'm currently facing with one or two ppl from my uni clique. I HATE COMPETITIONS. I really really hate it. Since like forever, when people compete with me, it just turns me off. I think at some point of time I'm actually willing to lose so that I'll get outta this competitive environment. It is an extremely disadvantageous environment for me.  Sore Loser? Kiasu? Scared to die? Say all you want but i honestly believe in competing with just me, myself and I. Deal with it. 

So, life is getting kinda mundane recently. I'm not gonna complain about having to take care of my grandparents because it is my duty and I like doing it. But sometimes, it just gets a little overwhelming when it is as though I'm the only one doing everything. I love spending time with my grandmother and I feel insecure leaving her alone at home or even when she's sleeping at night because I'm afraid she'll fall. You can say that I'm thinking too much but all these worries attribute to a certain amount of stress in me. Uni life? Rarely have lessons where the entire clique can get together so it gets a little awkward when we're all together coz there's like nothing to say? I expected uni to be a tad bit more exciting. Sometimes I really wanna go and join some ccas on my own so that I can make new friends. To be honest, I don't wanna be stuck with this same clique and just only them for the rest of my uni years. Its just boring. Maybe I should just go ahead and do it huh? haha!

I'M GOING TO MELBOURNE NEXT WED!! Excited much! Coz I'm finally getting away from this insanely hot weather in Singapore and having a mini escapade from reality! :) Although it is only for 4-5 days, it is better than nothing right? hahaha! Am so gonna spend quality with my mum and dad there! (Went for a hair cut yesterday and my bangs is screwed again...dont ever cut your hair before leaving for a holiday man!) My brother's busy with his uni life/studying/friends etc, hardly see him at home these days. Kinda hope he has a girlfriend though :P hahaha! He's already turning 23 for goodness sake! Okay, not like I'll definitely find one by 23 but I still think he should have one soon! :) 

I just cannot emphasize enough on how much I wanna leave this country and live a whole new life in a new country! Sometimes, I wish I wasn't even born in this country, it is just too boring! Maybe I should really consider working at Kruger National Park huh? Have been looking at a lot of wild safari and activists websites recently, I was trying to look for the 'career opportunities' section in particular! hahaha! Nat geo seems kinda hard coz they seem to prefer communications degree holders instead. Ohwells, we'll see how yeah? hahaha! Hope I can get a really fun job in the future! :)

I really love this picture! Haha!

Grandma.

I just can't imagine losing you.
Please please please don't ever leave me. :'(

Did I mention how much I dislike studying?
Really think it ain't my cup of tea.

Beasts of the Southern Wild

"Everybody loses the thing that made them

This is supposed to be the nature

The brave may stay and watch it happen

They don’t run"

-Hushpuppy

Just wanna get on a plane and fly to neverland...

Note to Self.

Stop being such a bitch (secretly).

Its been a while.

So I haven't been updating for quite some time..

Have been meeting my primary school friends quite frequently these few months and I must say they're really friends that are hard to come by. Really appreciate my friendship with them. Definitely bros that will stand by me no matter what happens! :) 

Talking about bros, I honestly think it is because I haven't exactly been in a relationship before that's why i cannot really see things from the girls' viewpoint. So trust me, i don't think i'm as logical and as rational as you guys think i am.  But, there are really certain things that i cannot believe a girlfriend will do to their partner. Horribly insane. 

Had a chat about searching for truth with Ryan yesterday. It was DAMN philosophical man. I felt like i was back into PHI101 class last sem on absolute truth by Immanuel Kant. Have you ever wondered why are we doing all these things that we are doing despite some part of your mind telling you that all these things are wrong? Like we shouldn't be doing such meaningless stuff in life and the life that many of us are leading is just wrong? It was this conversation I had with my friend for 10 years or so that I realized we've all really grown up. I really felt like I knew what he was driving at but I just needed more time to absorb and really accept the so called truth. I know that having a stable job, earning more than sufficient money and living in some atas house is a goal that I or at least everybody want me to achieve. Although I do not say otherwise, I really know that this is not just what I want. I've been saying this for years, i want to make a difference in our world. Up till now, I still do not know how. If i can ever achieve that, I know that I've lived my life worthwhile. While people are saying 'money is not everything'. Yes it isn't everything, but without it what can you do? Without money, will I be able to make a difference in the world? Or should I say a significant difference? I know the amount of life experience that I've gone through is nothing and my level of maturity is not up there yet. If i ever reach that stage, will anyone still see me as the person I am today? I doubt so. Of course, i love the carefree and happy life that i'm leading for now but i also know that someday this will no longer be in me. As we all grow older, carefree is not something that can be found easily. Do you call it responsibility or burden? Yes it's filial piety to take care of your parents aunts and grandparents but what happens if you drop down everything and just go venture out in the world trying to find an answer? Weigh the importance. I've yet to reach a balance. 

Enough of all those chim stuff, I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Wait. Just wait for me to have more discussions with my primary school friends and see if we can get to an answer. hahaha i know, cool stuff right? :)

Death. The scariest thing that any being can face. If what my childhood friend said was true, before chinese new year the gates of the ghosts will open and that is usually when more people especially the elder ones will leave us. True enough, there had been quite a number of deaths happening to my father's friends' parents, friends' grandparents etc. Some are expected due to old age, some simply unexpected. How can anyone deal with deaths of their loved ones if it happens within such a short period of time? Who can get over it and move on? If i were them, i definitely can't. I can't help thinking about what will happen if my grandmother or even grandfather leave me. So much so for saying how much my grandfather dislikes me, he was still a big part of my life. I don't even need to mention my grandmother. She's probably the one and only person that i love sooo much thus far. Sometimes my mum even gets jealous of her. Hahaha! So, my grandmother is turning 79 this year and my grandfather 82. It's really a blessing for them to be able to stay so healthy at this age but of course old age still creeps on them. They are starting to walk slower, slightly hard at hearing for my grandmother but they are still considered extremely healthy in this age as compared to other elderly. Basically, I just don't want them to leave me. Forever. 

I'm gonna turn 20 this year and it's damn freaky. I'm not done with my teenage years yet. Give me back my teens! I wanna go back to my secondary school and college years where i'm truly leading a carefree life! 

The irony of life I guess. While you really wanna go into the future and see what is waiting for you there, you just don't wanna let go of some really beautiful moments in your past. 

VAN.

The moment when you're so excited and hyped up about cny, your crazy andropause father just decided to throw his temper in the supermart. WHAT IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM?! *damn rage*